Plan B is the new Plan A
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
