I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize