bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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