my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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