i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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