dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Girls should come with a carfax report
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize