I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
