at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
