Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
