You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
