i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just pee around me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
