Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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