just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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