just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
