dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
