He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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