Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
