She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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