I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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