you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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