when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize