I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
this just has baby written all over it
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
