you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
