i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
