theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
