The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
