In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
