you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
