Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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