...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize