I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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