If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
