I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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