Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
