I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
