i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
