why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
