I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
