hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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