I want to have your abortion
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I met the friendliest cop last night
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Randomize
