Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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