listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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