Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
