is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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