Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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