you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
