I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
