you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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