So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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