he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
This toilet bowl is my home.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
