I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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