It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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