I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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