woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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