my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
