I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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