all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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