he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
