he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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