Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
