Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
