If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize