I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
