How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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