I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
