Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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