don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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