How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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