He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
